my good excuses

How vulnerable is too vulnerable for the internet? How much can I share without bullet pointing everything out to complete strangers online? Maybe just enough to guess my passwords? Childhood pet? Mother’s maiden name?

I thought about it.

A large part of my brain does not care. When you live everyday honestly, and with nothing to be ashamed of it’s very easy to just tell people when you’re sad. Saying I’m hurt doesn’t embarrass me the way it does to others. For a while I kept a lot of those feelings inside during my day to day, which made substack easy. I couldn’t tell anyone how I was feeling in my life so I smiled and said ok and moved on. Instead, I wrote about it here so everyone can read it anonymously at a later date. I gave myself the time to process everyone else being crazy to me. Unfortunately , I was also putting my sad emotions on a pedestal.

I got into the cycle of making myself feel bad on purpose. Womp.

But since about June of this year- my everything took a turn. I took risks I normally wouldn’t have taken, I allowed myself to lean into the art of creating. I got back into music, poetry, and photography mostly. I really wanted to redefine what Finnian should be doing instead of doing what people thought Finnian should be doing.

The only healthy move I can make now is pivot to a healthier lifestyle that doesn’t give me an eating disorder spiral. Maybe it’s time for me to pick up some meditation tips and a pilates gym from a white woman with dreadlocks.

Sadness taught me how to write. I will give it that. But freedom is teaching me how to live. And maybe the truest thing I can put on the page now is that I am not reaching for the bad in the same way.

Whats coming up for me now? I have some more music in the works. I’ve been enjoying playing around with little buttons with my new friend Ed. I’ve been trying to meet other producers who could fuck with my vibe. I’ve been planning trips to London, Paris and Krakow. Just trying to fill my cup a little more in 2026.

I am cringe, but I am free.