Starting Over

So I guess I wrote myself into a hole, huh?

Theres no where to go now that isn’t nagging and complaining about being “sick” with a mental illness I gave myself in order to have a semblance of control. Unfortunately, I’m like actually sick so life’s been a difficult. But I cant really come online and complain about how sick I am and how it sucks when im actively doing it to myself. Like awe poor you- you dont have the energy to live because you refuse to eat food and make everyone around you miserable.

So we’re gonna try something else. Like getting better.

I have to say I’m going to try getting better publicly because at least something can keep me accountable. I dont really answer to anyone but god- so thats been hard to start with. Even that takes convincing.

I’ve deleted a lot of my old substack articles. Those don’t need to be up forever. I spent the last 2 months sick out of my mind, almost refusing to get better. After a week of eating constantly I feel like I have a brain cell back. Here’s what I did last week.

Tuesday

Laurence and I visited the Cloisters up in Inwood. It was 90 out, and I could feel the sweat drip down my forehead into my cowboy boots. I saw the foreboding statue of Jesus hanging in the cathedral right as we went in and it scared me a bit- but it wasn’t as scary as the one in south of France. My iconic freaky Jesus. I don’t think I’d make a good Catholic, I don’t feel shame like they do. I feel shame in a more neurotic Jewish way that makes me a nag. Laurence liked this art canvas that was three pieces put together to make one scene. But I think he liked the gardens and flowers more. He said he had the idea for a song about a garden in his head and was imagining the courtyard of the cloisters to be it. You don’t really get things like this in the city, so it was a treat.

Wednesday

We braved the touristy high line in Chelsea. Thankfully it was slow and not as crowded. I’ve been trying to be good and stay out of the way of people so maybe I just got lucky this this day. Laurence played the open piano on little island and I got facinated by some baby geese. The geese were hissing at everyone passing but me. I felt bad I couldn't get close enough to move the plastic off one of the little ones. But there wasn’t any small plastic that made it an emergency. We laid out in the grass on the pier. I’m still thinking about the baby ducks.

We then made our way down to the Coop Hewitt where we listened to Floe by Philip Glass on a sound system that played every layer of the track separately and I felt my brain get blown off. A bartender from Submercer (NO NAMES ) was there and I was excited to see him as he was always so kind and a delight ( YOU ARE READING THIS, I HOPE THE DATE WENT WELL.)

Thursday

I slept most of Thursday. I think Laurence went out for a run and I went back to sleep for the second time. Then when he got home I slept again. Then I went to work.

I love sleep.

Friday

I’m not sure what I did during the day, But Thursday night I went to L’artusi. It was storming out all day so we did an early 5pm seating right as they opened. The manager heard of me and gave us a lot of treats. I’m assuming because I knew one of the servers as I came in. I ate so much food I wanted to sleep instead of go to work- I needed a 6 hour nap. I’d recommend the bucatini, focaccia, and getting blacked off cocktails.

I think this is where my stomach started to turn into an endless pit because after this meal I could not stop eating. The floodgates were opened. Not in a healing way at all.

Saturday

For afternoon tea, we went to Lady Mendel in Gramercy. The rain persisted this weekend and created a somber energy around this time. I take my tea with tons of sugar and a little bit of cream. Sweet, soft and very bohemian. The interiors of this place are gorgeous. I’d call this the Eclectic Victorian experience.

And thats what I did this week. This won’t be shared to Instagram.

Positively yours,

Finnian