sober to death

thc and nicotine

Ok, so I’m going to confess something. I have not smoked a cigarette since like… July. And it got me thinking about when I started.

My university girlfriend was addicted to smoking weed. I didn’t know what addiction really looked like yet, so I thought it was just a personality. I thought it was a quirky little thing. I thought it was hot in that lazy way where nothing touches you too deeply. She woke up and reached for it. A ritual before class.

After class.
Instead of dinner.
Instead of feelings.

My condo always smelled like burnt plant matter and emotional avoidance. Windows cracked even in winter. Ash on the windowsill like a quiet accumulation of days we did not talk about anything real. She said it made her creative. She said it calmed her down. She said it was not a big deal. I believed her because believing her meant I did not have to ask for more.

I was young enough to confuse purposeful numbness with peace. Her distance was sexy mystique. I loved how little she reacted to things because I had so many reactions, and I thought we balanced each other out. I did not realize I was dating a fog machine. Every argument dissolved before it could land. Every apology floated away. I don’t think either of us cared enough about anything.

Sometimes I would talk and she would smile at me with that soft, glazed affection, like I was a movie she had already seen. Looking back, I wanted panicked urgency. I wanted to be chosen in a way that required effort. She chose the ritual every time.
Grind. Pack. Light. Exhale. Repeat.

Don’t get me started on the fucking dab pen smell.

Later on, I learned that addiction does not always look like chaos. Wine moms. Vegan orthorexics. Looksmaxxing gym bros. It is all the same to me now. The substance is a substance, but the mental part is the problem. I used to assume addiction meant heroin track marks, hiding your crack pipe, or taking one hour smoke breaks so your wife couldn’t see it enough to judge.

Then it was my turn to pick a vice, except I never really had the addiction mindset. I think I wanted it, though. I figured cigarettes were easy. Everyone is addicted to nicotine vapes and Zyns. I could easily get hooked and become emotionally dependent on a substance, no problem.

The problem is, I am not good at the mental part. I might be too self aware or something, because it never stuck. When I was working at SubMercer, I started picking up the habit but never got it down enough. Despite my nightly effort.

I guess I just simmered out like a Marlboro Gold.

Since I have you here, I have started the leaderboard/referal program! You can get a free month of my private writings for referring 3+ free subscribers to my substack. Click here to learn more!

Keep the lights on,

Finnian x