Dec 1

beginning of the end.

I started the week in the fucking dumps. Hello by the way!!!

Monday was all about getting my shit together. I had a full Joan Crawford attack in my apartment where suddenly I had the bandwidth to clean my entire space top to bottom, repair things, and hang up art. Angel was the first person to ever explain who and what Joan Crawford was, so now the saying finally makes sense. I even swiffered the wall in my bathroom. I ran out of real cleaning tasks so I started inventing them.

Tuesday was a night at Maison Nur. Every Tuesday you can come to Maison Nur and bother me for the cost of one cocktail. Many choose to hover at the bar and make eyes at me until I am free to talk. Thankfully it was slow, so I got to leave by 10:30. My outfit was mid. I just was not feeling it. I spent the whole shift dreaming about the pumpkin cheesecake ice cream from Ben and Jerry’s. The grocery store closed at 11 so I grabbed a yellow cab and rushed over. Thankfully they had it. It was so emotionally overwhelming that I cried between the sushi stand and the foreign cheese section. I ate the ice cream in bed while watching Game Theory videos about the new Five Nights at Freddys movie.

Wednesday was pretty good. I woke up late after doing absolutely nothing the night before and put on something cute. Damon is back in town and was hosting at TwoFifteen while Angel spun. I call that whole circle the OG Gays. If you belong to a house of queens, that is OG. They look expensive, dance all night, and no one has a job outside of being a beautiful person on Instagram or a DJ. Ethan bought a flip phone so now I literally have to call him if I want to talk, which is the sassiest thing a man has ever forced me to do. I give him props. It is a shitty little red Nokia that half works. He puts minutes on it so you have to say what you need quickly or the call cuts off.

Thursday I woke up to Yugi sleeping on top of my head like a furry crown and I was too scared to move. Sometimes he is sweet and you want it to last. He stalked my feet on the way to the restroom as revenge. I decided I needed to get really into skincare so I spent the whole day on TikTok diagnosing myself. Ed sent me the mix and master of our next song and I planned some content around it. It is an EDM and garage track that I did not originally think we had in us, but it flowed out once we sat down to work. Writing lyrics has gotten so easy, kind of like writing in this diary.

Friday I found out a good friend died. Someone half in the club scene, half in real life. It is not my first and not my last but it hurts the same every time. I had to break the news to the old doorman at SUB because I did not want him to find out through an Instagram story, especially since they were closer. Being part of a dying man’s goodbye texts is unreal in the worst way. I never trusted texts that were too out of character. Thank you for being so kind to me. Hindsight is twenty twenty.

I got the ego boost and he said goodbye.

I spent the shift in a state of dissociation. I declined going to Pauls after to see mutuals. I went home and sat with my head in my hands in the shower.

Saturday I felt like shit. Dehydrated. Unmoisturized. Taco Bell wrappers on my bed. Whoever went to sleep was not the Finnian who woke up. Dire.

Ed and I went over song PR, little gifts, and promotional ideas. I realized I need a mentor in music if I want to get anything done. Maybe more than one. Now that I have two brain cells that know what they are doing, I want to go back and revisit a song from May.

I thought about the chapters I want to close in 2025 and the ones I want to open in 2026. There is a lot I want to finish. People I do not want to text anymore. People I want to reach out to. I want to get out of this flight or freeze mindset I fall into when people come to me with their perceptions of me. I want to think and feel as freely as possible. I want 2026 to be full of fine art, poems, and photos. I just have to get over everyone else giving a fuck. All press is literally good press. I can tell because I got three hundred likes on my music video but one hundred shares. I hope the group chats enjoyed because lowkey it helps my algorithm more than anything. Work was busy as hell, but it is December so of course. I made a really good hiring choice a month ago and I love being right.

Sunday I went to New Jersey. After the whole hey your friend killed himself thing I had to touch grass. I had to kiss the ground. It was twenty eight degrees all weekend. I got a haircut at the mall from the same place I went when I was ten. A little bit of self care compared to my craft scissors at home. I have a huge gaping wound in my chest from grief. I am not good at it. I do not think I ever will be. I do not think I want to be. Grief feels like a black hole in my body that sucks joy out of everything. I could be having the best day of my life and boom, the memories arrive. Of things that once were and will never happen again. I cannot go back in time.

But damn, I wish.